Day 1 on the train

Is it normal to have this much indifference about the future? Shouldn’t I feel more anxious– being out in the middle of nowhere, by myself? With no plans for the day and no goals for the future? Why do I feel incredibly comfortable when I’m thrown into the unknown? Or do I hope to endure the punishment I think I deserve for being unmotivated in school?

I fear that part of me wants to be kicked around–just so I might feel something…just so I come running back home to appreciate everything I take for granted. I destroyed my life. On purpose. I did this on purpose. Do I like pain? I know I do. But do I like it more that happiness? Who craves suffering? I do. I crave it. And it is an addiction I’m drawn to because it feels good to give up and deem myself intractably helpless. I don’t consciously do this. But in reflection I see the truth.

I’m here and I’m on this train… but do I want to be here?

Or am I punishing myself for not being “normal”?

And by normal I mean robotically putting effort into systematic learning..and getting a degree.. a degree that says what exactly? That I conformed better than you did? You college drop out ?! How much of our conformity is a product of greed? How much is a product of desiring status? How bout, how much of our conformity is attributed to a longing for the idea of greed, or the idea of status? I wonder how much… I guess this is my way of finding out.

Why go to school? And by that I mean, why is it important to get acknowledged for learning? Take away money. Leave the rest. What is left? What part of me sees value in not only learning but in being tested over what I have learned — and in using my knowledge to influence, to make a tiny dent, in my community? Positively influencing my surroundings is a good value. Would I be able to more efficiently influence others if I was tested on my knowledge? What if a degree is needed to accomplish something that affects others in the most positive way I can think of? Do you think the best way I can help others is through sharing my passion? Who am I talking to?

about author


I'm the mother of a 1 year old, a wife, and a anthropology grad living in Beijing.

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